The Importance of Visibility

The other day at the mall, I saw a girl, probably in her late teens, who was in a wheelchair. 

That isn't terribly unusual - I see people with physical disabilities two or three times a week. We really are everywhere: we attend school, we get dinner with friends, we go to bars, we shop for groceries, we go to work. 

What was remarkable about this girl was that she had all the signs of being newly disabled. Her wheelchair had the name of a local in-patient rehab hospital on the back, and she was being doted over by two other women, probably her mother and sister. I don't know anything about her life or her disability, so she might be only temporarily disabled, but I did notice that she was watching me. 

It made me think back to the beginning of my life with a wheelchair. 

At eleven years old, I hadn't had many experiences of seeing people with significant physical disabilities as they lived their normal lives. I had never seen a person in a wheelchair do the normal things that I do every day, let alone get married and have a family and a career. Without seeing people who were like me doing those things, I thought they couldn't be done. 

Throughout my teenage years, I sought out examples of people with disabilities living normal lives. There weren't very many: a high school teacher, a handful of other teenagers with the same insecurities as myself, and a few lifestyle articles in disability-related magazines. There were only a handful of people like me on TV or in books, and those that were there had brief appearances, often as a plot device.

The impact this had on me was significant. I spent a long time believing that I was doomed to live a lonely life without any of the independence I've now gained. For almost a decade, I was in a deep depression. I couldn't see that I had anything to live for, because I couldn't see hope for a good, "normal" life.

Life is different today. I've discovered examples of people with disabilities living happy, fulfilled lives, with families and careers and joy. I know that my life can include the things I wished for when I was younger.

The thing is... it shouldn't have taken a decade for me to understand that. Nobody should wake up from surgery or live their entire childhood with a disability without knowing that their physical conditions don't prevent them from living the lives they want to live. Nobody should have to seek out examples of people like themselves holding a job or going to college. Those examples should be readily available.

Visibility matters.

To Be Humble, or To Be Humbled?

There's a phrase I've heard a few times in the past few months that's really sticking with me.

"Be humble, or be humbled."

It's an interesting thought to me. The Lord has called His people to be humble, and it's going to happen. The only question is whether we'll choose to humble ourselves, or whether we will be humbled by an outside force.

At Friday Forum this week, the speaker spoke about entitlement and humility. He asked us to take a moment to think of the most humble person we know, and then describe the other traits that person has.

Here's the list we came up with:

• Elderly (not always, but often!)
• Spiritually sensitive (or a spiritual leader)
• Rarely talk about themselves
• Service-oriented 
• Grateful 
• High self-esteem
• Quiet, but not fearful
• Content with what they have
• Good leadership skills
• Patient 
• Selfless
• Penitent 

This is a pretty fantastic list of personal characteristics for anyone to develop. I'm making it my goal to work on them myself... I have a long way to go.

Grandma, c. 1992

When I look at that description, I think of my grandmother. I don't know very much about her life and what's shaped the personality I've seen during my lifetime, but I deeply admire her for having all of
the qualities listed. She isn't a member of my religion, but she's whole-heartedly dedicated to Christ. Even in times of great distress (she lost her second husband and her mother within a month of one another; she's survived breast cancer; she had an obnoxiously ungrateful teenage granddaughter), I've never heard her complain or express anger or ingratitude. Instead, I've seen her study the gospel of Jesus Christ, dedicate herself to serving others, and endure her trials with patience. When I think of the kind of person I want to be, she's the best example I can imagine.

For me, on the other hand, humility hasn't taken root. You might think that after 11 years in a wheelchair, being a 4'10" grown woman, being consistently sick for several years, etc, I would have humility down pat. Spoiler alert: NOPE! I am one P-R-I-D-E-F-U-L woman. I can be literally laying on the ground unable to get up and be entirely unwilling to ask for help. (This happens often. Maybe I should be learning something.)

(There's a missionary serving in Morgantown right now who frequently tells me, "Don't be embarrassed." I fall down and have to call him to come help me up pick me up... "Don't be embarrassed." I pull over while driving because I'm afraid I'm going to puke on the steering wheel... "Don't be embarrassed." I'm considering hiring him to follow me around saying that at opportune moments after his mission. That's a job any 21-year-old man would aspire to, right? ... What if I pay him in M&M brownies?)

It seems to me that my life is full of reminders to be more humble... I'm actually pretty certain that pridefulness was one of my premortal flaws, and part of the reason I'm so physically frail is that it gives me the opportunity to learn humility. I came to that realization a while ago, but it's been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm ready to get to work repenting.

Being humble doesn't mean being weak -- it means relying on the Lord for our strength. He is the source of all strength, so why not learn to humbly rely on Him?

Forgiveness Talk

I gave this talk on forgiveness during a sacrament meeting in January. A few people asked me for copies, so I figured the easiest way would be to post it. This isn't exactly what I said -- I can't stick to a script for anything -- but it's what I had written down, so it should be pretty close. :) 

--

When I was eleven years old, I was permanently disabled because a surgeon made a mistake while performing a procedure without consent. It took years for me to forgive that doctor, and that bitterness stole a lot of my life. I would do things that made me happy for a while, but they didn’t create lasting peace. Each time I did them, the happiness they gave me lasted for a shorter time, leaving me to repeat them over and over to keep myself from feeling worse than I did in the beginning. I didn’t see any way out of that cycle. I was angry at the doctor, at my family, and at myself. I didn’t think God existed, but if He did, I was angry at Him too. The God who other people loved had made me be born with an incurable disease and then let that doctor make it worse, and I saw no way to ever be freed from the burden of what had been done to me.

Learning of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ was the most incredible gift that I can imagine. I learned of God’s love for each of us and of my own divine worth. Through the gospel, I was miraculously able to repent of the acts I had done during my years of bitterness and be transformed. An essential part of that process was finding the strength to forgive and to be forgiven. By that point in my life, extending forgiveness didn’t require nearly as much strength as you might expect – it was truly my only option.

In Doctrine and Covenants 64, the Lord tells Joseph Smith, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

Most of us have heard that scripture before, but I would like to really examine it with you today.

According to lds.org, the word “forgive” has two meanings in the scriptures. One of those definitions will be given later in my talk. The other states, “As people forgive each other, they treat one another with Christlike love and have no bad feelings toward those who have offended them.”

Why would the Lord require us to forgive?

Extending forgiveness to another person is for us. Our forgiveness of the unrepentant sinner does not excuse him from the consequences of his sins. Rather, we are called upon to live by the oath to “Let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.” Our forgiveness does not mean justice won’t be done; it means that we will place our trust in God to take care of that justice for us.

All of the commandments we have been given are for our benefit. The Word of Wisdom helps us to be healthy in body and mind; the Law of Chastity helps us avoid the heartache so often wrought by being involved in sacred, intimate acts outside of the bonds of marriage. Likewise, we are commanded to forgive so that we can be freed.

Withholding our forgiveness from another person is a spiritual impediment to us, regardless of its impact on another. Forgiving others is primarily about restoring our personal relationship with God, not with the person who we must forgive. By choosing to forgive, we act upon our trust in God and allow Him to take up our burdens. Finding it within myself to have that much trust in God – to wholeheartedly hand my burdens over to Him and believe in His willingness to take care of it so I could be relieved – is one of the most difficult parts of forgiveness for me, but I’ve learned that it is absolutely necessary.

A church member whose brother was murdered wrote, “I found that the solution for a weed-ridden heart is to employ the Master Gardener, the Savior Jesus Christ. He has the power to heal any heart. He requires only one thing: we must offer our hearts fully to Him and let Him work in His own way.” In our journey through life, all of us will be wounded. Bad things happen all the time. It’s easy to find ourselves being burdened down by those wounds, little by little.

The healing power of the Atonement is the means by which those wounds can be healed, and the requirement of that healing is that we trust in the Lord and forgive. That forgiveness does not redeem he who sinned against us, but it does redeem us. Emptying our hearts of bitterness and anger creates room for the purifying power of the Atonement to work within us, filling our souls with joy and consolation.

The second definition given for the word “forgive” is “When God forgives men, he cancels or sets aside a required punishment for sin. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, forgiveness is available to all who repent.”

I hope we are all familiar with this type of forgiveness. As we follow God, each of us is asked to strive for perfection. Our ultimate goal, as the whiteboard in the institute reminds me every day, is to return to our Father’s presence. No unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God, and all of us, at some point in our lives, will be unclean. We strive for perfection, but none of us are perfect right now. The pains and sins of this world are unavoidable at this stage of our progression, and only through the atonement of Jesus Christ can we be cleansed and healed as we repent.

When I discussed this topic with the missionaries, Elder Bovee shared a thought that I’d like to quote. “Although we continually fall short and make mistakes, I am convinced that the love of our Savior and the power of his Atonement reach a depth beyond our imperfections. Through the strength of Christ’s perfect love, we can rise above our sins, no matter how serious they may be.”

There is no depth that Christ cannot reach to rescue us. There is no darkness that the light of the atonement cannot penetrate. In the words of the Prophet Joseph Smith, “There is never a time when the spirit is too old to approach God. All are within the reach of pardoning mercy.”

Obtaining forgiveness when we have sinned is not automatic. There’s no “easy button” for repentance. The offer of forgiveness is always available, as is our Father’s unfailing love, but we are asked to repent by freely confessing our sins to the Lord, making restitution, and changing our ways. Repentance can be uncomfortable, as is all change, but I testify that it is the path to lasting peace. In cases when we cannot do anything to heal the damage caused by our sins, the way to forgiveness is still open to us. The apostle Boyd K. Packer once said, “The Lord provides ways to pay our debts to Him. In one sense we ourselves may participate in an atonement. When we are willing to restore to others that which we have not taken, or heal wounds that we did not inflict, or pay a debt that we did not incur, we are emulating His part in the Atonement.” No sin is too great, no harm too irreparable, for us to receive divine forgiveness.

Perhaps even harder than forgiving others and seeking forgiveness from the Lord is forgiving ourselves. In his famous talk about judging others, President Uchtdorf reminded us, “When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror.”

The scriptures teach us that once we have repented and been forgiven of a sin, Heavenly Father no longer remembers that sin and it is as if it never happened. However, we do not forget our sins. The memory of our failings is retained so that we can learn from our mistakes, enabling us to progress towards our eternal goal. This does not mean that we should spend all our days in guilt – instead, we should trust in our Father in Heaven when He tells us that we’ve been forgiven. The benefit of learning from our past transgressions by remembering them is voided by excessive guilt, which can tear us further from our Heavenly Father by filling us with feelings of inadequacy.

I’d like to end this talk with another quote from President Uchtdorf: “Remember, Heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.” I testify to you that this is true. Forgiveness clears the way for broken hearts to be mended and broken people to be healed. It restores our bonds with our Heavenly Father, and it helps us to become more like Him in the exercise of true Christlike love. 

Looking Forward

The past two semesters have been hard... like, really hard. 

It isn't that my classes have been too difficult - the opposite, actually. Changing my major to geography was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I absolutely love GIS, more than I ever loved any of my education classes, and I know that the career for which I am preparing is a much better fit for me. 

The "problem" has been that other parts of life, things more important than school, have taken precedent. I wish some of those things hadn't happened, but I have no regrets about how I responded. 

Anyway, today I selected my fall classes, and I am so excited. 

The process of selecting classes and coming up with a class schedule is one of my favorite things. I love thinking about the things I'm going to learn and planning out how my weeks are going to go. As early as 8th grade, deciding what classes to take the next year was a great feeling for me. 

Next semester, I'm going to be taking my senior capstone course, which is funny because I'll be taking the orientation to my major the next semester. 

I'll also be taking a class called "Geographical Data Analysis," and even though I don't really know what that means right now, I'm looking forward to it because it includes data and analysis and is taught by one of my favorite professors. 

I'm taking Introduction to Remote Sensing, which is taught by the professor who inspired me to become a geography major. He's been on sabbatical for a year and a half and I'm excited to take a class with him again. (Side note: The lab for this class overlaps with institute council, so today I told "Prez" that I can't continue as the president... he told me to move institute council to a different day.) 

I'll probably be taking a computer science class, which I can't claim to be terribly excited about, but if it helps me in some way to learn things that will help me be better at the technical aspects of GIS, I can live with that. 

Finally, I'm taking a class called "Sustainable Living." This is one of the classes that I'm most excited for, even though it doesn't directly tie in to my major. Sustainability is important for everyone to learn, and I have a feeling it's going to be significant in my life - probably even in my career. 

There are things more important than school... but I'm a nerd, and school is pretty darn important. 

The Prodigal Blogger

I haven't used this blog in a long time. I guess I've been getting out all of my desire for blogging (and then some) with the institute blog. 

The experiences I've had in the past eight months have been valuable, but many of them were things I didn't feel comfortable posting for the world to see. Now that some time has passed and I've gained a broader perspective, I'm ready to talk about some of those things.

First:

On August 7th - the two year anniversary of my confirmation as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - my grandmother passed away. I had known for several months that it was coming. She had fallen in her apartment and broken her hip, and the surgeries and recovery process weakened her to a state where she was in constant pain and confined to a hospital bed. 

Losing my grandmother, who was one of the greatest role models, was a painful loss, but I've been able to take comfort in understanding the Plan of Salvation. I know that my grandmother lived a full life and that she'll forever be remembered by everyone who knew her. She wasn't the kind of person who can easily be forgotten. 

She lived a life full of trials, including childhood poverty, the death of her first child, and a painful lifelong disability, but she was a woman who was full of joy. She never tried to fit in or mold herself to anyone else's expectations, and she taught me to love myself in the same way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't known her, and I know that I'll have the opportunity to be with her for eternity. I've been to the temple nearly every month since just before she died, and it's given me a great sense of peace.

Second: 

Ever since I was baptized, I've wanted to serve a mission. I always knew that it was unlikely that I would be permitted to serve, but for over two years, I felt the desire to do so pull on my heart. It was on my mind almost every day, others told me I should consider it, and I honestly felt like it was what God wanted me to do. After fighting it for years, I finally approached my bishop in September and hesitantly asked if it would be possible. To my shock, the answer was "yes."

Wait... yes!?

That wasn't the answer I was expecting, but both my bishop and my stake president confirmed that, even with my disability, I could serve a full-time mission. I prayed and considered my options for about a week, and decided I would go. I knew there would be challenges, but it was what God wanted and what I wanted, so I threw myself into preparing to serve.  

Then, just as I was about ready to go, the answer I and everyone else was getting from Heavenly Father changed. After months of promptings to go serve a mission, I suddenly got a big fat "STOP!" It surprised me, but I knew that serving a mission really wasn't what God would have me do.

I was saddened because I had a desire to serve and I thought I could contribute (both to the people I would meet and to the Church's perception of people with disabilities), but more than anything, I was confused about why I and so many others had felt led down one path only to then find out it was wrong. Overcoming that experience took time. I never lost my trust in God, but I lost my trust in myself. I thought that I must have acted on something other than a prompting of the Holy Ghost, but I couldn't distinguish between the prompting to serve a mission and any other personal revelation I had received. 

To explain how I got past that, I'm simply going to share a Mormon Message with you. 

So, all of this brings us through August, September, October, and the beginning of November. 

Third: 

Throughout all of this, a close friend of mine had been gradually wandering down a dangerous path. He didn't do anything morally wrong, but he developed an acute mental illness that culminated in a life-threatening situation. I won't go into much detail about it, because it isn't my story to tell, but it had a significant impact on me. Beginning in November, I recognized that what I had thought was just an odd pattern of behavior was, in reality, very serious. 

For over a month, I dedicated nearly all of my time that wasn't spent in a classroom to caring for my friend. During that time, I felt a closer relationship with the Savior than I ever have at any other time. I received multiple priesthood blessings assuring me that I was doing the right thing, and I felt the love that God has for my friend being poured out through me. I have no regrets whatsoever and would do it all again with no hesitation if my friend needed it, but I sacrificed my own self-care in favor of caring for another person. 

Given my own physical weakness, there was a significant price to pay for making that sacrifice. For nearly three months after my friend no longer needed my help, my body insisted that I catch up on its basic needs, particularly sleep. Six weeks of sleeping for two to three hours a night was traded in for two months of sleeping for twelve to sixteen hours a day. Only now, after three months, do I feel like my body has completely recovered, but I've never doubted for a moment that it was worth it. 

I certainly wasn't a perfect friend, and there were many days when I probably made my friend's burden heavier instead of lighter, but I've learned so much about myself, about Christ, and about our loving Heavenly Father. I would have preferred to have learned those lessons without someone I love suffering so greatly. Nonetheless, I'm grateful to have had the experience of being there for my friend during that time. (He's been there for me through some pretty tough trials, too.) 

Where Am I Now?

Right now, I'm trying to gain a sense of direction and figure out exactly what it is that God would have me do. School this semester has been hard... really hard. I'm already at a physical disadvantage, and the choices I made last semester (although awesome) have made it even harder. I'm looking for a job so I can feel productive and earn some money over the summer, but I haven't had any luck at finding a part-time job I'm capable of doing without a degree. For now, my life mostly consists of fulfilling my church callings (ward missionary and institute president) and building friendships with some fantastic people. I've been focusing on the temple (a friend and I have gone to the baptistry at the DC temple every month) and on developing my relationship with Heavenly Father through prayer. I've grown up a whole lot in both temporal and spiritual maturity, and I feel a great hope for the future, both in this mortal life and beyond.

Full disclosure: I wrote the first two sentences of this post in early November, and I'm finally posting it in March.