Life-Changing Words

"Not all Christians are good. Not all good people are Christian. It’s a gospel of love, not selectivity."

I received that text message on July 20, 2009, shortly after 1:00 PM. It was mere days before my best friend was set aside to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, an event for which I had absolutely no positive feelings. As an atheist, I firmly believed my friend was throwing away two years of his life for an empty cause, and resented the slightly mysterious "church leadership" that had called him to do it. Despite my steadfast antagonism, deep down, I was beginning to consider the possibility that there might be a god, although my opinion of that maybe-god was that it had fallen asleep at the wheel at best. 

On that day, my best friend and I were texting about that "maybe-god." I was not even willing to consider that the "Christian god" of condemnation and hellfire was anything other than a story parents told to frighten their children into good behavior, but I was gradually learning that my friend's beliefs were not all that similar those of the Christians I had previously known. In answer to a joking (or perhaps not) comment he made about turning me into a Christian, I pointed out that I wasn't "good enough" to be a Christian - I would have been a walking contradiction to Christian standards, had I been able to walk. I could never hope to fit in with any body of people whose common feature was their adherence to a set of rules, nor did I want to. 

His reply was lighthearted, a reminder that no Christians were perfect and that the real gospel was about love and not a competition to be the most pious person in the church. He didn't intend for his words to stick with me throughout the rest of my life - he doesn't even remember saying them - yet they became the most important words anyone has ever spoken to me. 

Those words remind me that being Christian, and particularly being Mormon, is more than following commandments and making the right decisions. It's about feeling the pure love of Christ and continually striving to apply it to my life. The true God is not a god of hatred, and the gospel is not about judgment and condemnation. The key to being a "good Christian" isn't being able to memorize and obey a list of commandments. It's about allowing love to guide our every action.

Refocus.

The day after my baptism, the missionaries gave me letters they had written specifically for me to read later in life, once the freshness of the gospel wore off and I needed a reminder. As I'm sure they knew I would, I read them later that night, but ever since then I've kept them packed in my "Mormon box" (which I still haven't stopped using since I moved out of my parents' house... old habits die hard). Something that was said in church today triggered a memory of those nearly-forgotten letters. I doubt my missionaries expected me to need them after just one year, three months, and five days, but I knew it was the right time. 

When I opened the first one, my eyes skipped down to the middle of the second paragraph, where he wrote about sacrifices. I hadn't quite forgotten all of the sacrifices I made not so long ago, but seeing them lined out in that careful block handwriting reminded me of just how huge they were to me then. I didn't give up some of the most important things in my life so that I could take a few steps forward and then stop again. Making the decision to be baptized was an act of pure faith, a desperate last attempt to turn my life around and focus on something positive. It was, as that missionary reminded me, the best decision of my life thus far, but it was never meant to be the stopping point -- it was a new beginning. After listing my sacrifices, he told me that the key to making them worthwhile is to always remember them and to make every decision throughout the rest of my life with those sacrifices in mind. 

Can I honestly say that I've been doing that? I try to remember the covenants I made at my baptism, but looking at the past year of my life, I have to admit that I haven't always held up my end of the deal. That's what the atonement is for. My missionary's point wasn't that I would never make mistakes; everybody does. He wasn't encouraging me to be flawless, but to keep my focus on the truths I was learning and the sacrifices I made in order to act on those truths. 

Over the past year, I've lost some of my focus. It's not that I've stopped looking in the right direction, but the image isn't quite as sharp as it was when I was baptized. I've zoomed out so that, although the things that matter are still there, they've begun to blend in with the rest of the picture. The gospel has never ceased to be an important part of my life, but it isn't the first thing on my mind when I have a decision to make. My attention to the sacrifices and covenants that were so crucial then isn't as strong as I would like it to be. 

The answer to fixing it is written out in the letter, drawn directly from the scriptures -- remember. Remember my personal sacrifices, remember the baptismal covenants, remember the commandments, and most importantly, remember Christ. By taking the time to refocus and remember, I can ensure that my decision to be baptized won't be the last good decision I make.