words.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've loved to write. 

I'd fill up notebook after notebook - probably hundreds - with stories and lists. 

As I got older, I gradually moved on to blogging. (Mostly on Tumblr... don't judge!) Fiction isn't as much fun for me as it used to be. I'd rather channel my love of writing into talking about the struggles (and joys) of living with chronic illness and disability, as well as bearing testimony of my Savior. 

More recently, even the joy of blogging has faded. Things that have happened in my life have been too personal to share with all my friends, let alone hundreds of strangers on the internet. 

Lately, most of my writing has been in the form of emails to my friends who are serving as Mormon missionaries. (The only people who still communicate with emails, right?) It's not exactly an art, but it's all I've felt like doing. 

I've been feeling weirdly guilty about neglecting my blogs. Blogging has been such an awesome force in my life. Through blogging, I connected with people who share my faith while I was living in a place where nobody around me did. I've met some awesome friends through my blogs, and I've seen other people discover the gospel and be baptized after reading believers' blogs. 

The problem isn't that I have nothing to say. The problem is that the things I care deeply about seem too heavy to be written: progressive and debilitating chronic illnesses, domestic and child abuse within the church (both my particular church and Christianity at large), political issues related to being disabled, foster care and adoption... all important topics. 

I believe in being real. I've never been one to gloss things over. (We're not counting my mantra of "I'm okay!" when I'm clearly not, because, well, I may be in horrible pain, but I'm okay.) Acknowledging the not-so-pretty things in life is important because it's only when we face our demons that we're able to fight them. 

My goal in writing, and life in general, is to glorify God. My patriarchal blessing says I'm able to use my gift of communication to relieve the hearts of others who are struggling in life and help them see the path back to their Father in Heaven. I take that ability and responsibility seriously, and I want to always use all possible mediums to do just that. I'm no missionary and I don't want to preach, but I do want to make sure that the things I say, do, and write fulfill a higher purpose. 

I know there are ways to approach those heavy topics in ways that enlighten, benefit, and uplift. I've seen others do it, and I admire them. Allowing your misery to become your ministry is a powerful thing and my greatest goal. Until I figure it out for myself, though, I'm content to stay quiet. 

Less of me, more of Him.