Why I Believe - Part 1 - Premortal Life

Everyone knows I'm a Mormon. Seriously, everyone. There have been several times when missionaries have told me that some person they met on the street, usually a person I barely even know, has told them they know me. Even more often, I get messages from people saying they've offered the missionaries a glass of water/paid for their ice cream/not slammed a door in their faces/smiled at them on my behalf. (Thanks, guys!) 

What I don't think so many people know is why I believe. (Usually asked as "why I gave up sweet tea and frappes.") The simple answer is that it's true and it's changed my life - but that's not the answer anyone wants. What they want to hear is more complicated, and I can be hesitant to share those details at a holiday dinner or in the middle of the market. I'm more than happy to share in other settings, but most people don't want to come join my Sunday school class or schedule a 45 minute discussion. 

So, I've picked 5 principles of the gospel - basic things Mormons believe - that contribute the most to my personal testimony. Mormons believe a lot more than just this, most of it exactly the same as any other Christian church, but these are 5 things that I feel most strongly tie my beliefs to this specific church. 

Pre-mortal Life 

One of the easiest ways of explaining our core beliefs is through the Plan of Salvation. Simply put, it's the roadmap to our lives, focused on Heavenly Father's plan for the salvation of His children. The first point I want to talk about is the first point on the map: pre-mortal life. 

Where did I come from? Why am I here? 

Each of us is made up of both a physical body and a spirit, or soul. Our spirits were created by Heavenly Father long before the creation of our physical bodies. Until our spirits and our bodies were joined, we lived with our Heavenly Father. We knew him well, and we also knew one another. Everything was pretty much hunky-dory. 

Like any good parent, Heavenly Father wanted to see His children maximize our potential. During our pre-earth life, He taught us as much as we could understand, preparing us for everything that would come next. There were some things, though, that we just couldn't understand for ourselves until we had the opportunity to leave our Father's presence and experience mortality. So, life happens. 

This is obviously a huge simplification, and if you want to know more of what we believe, I'd be happy to explain. 

The concept of pre-earth life is one of the first things that drew me to this faith. It just makes sense to me. When I was learning the gospel, there were a lot of things that felt familiar, like I really already knew them and I was just now being reminded. There have been people in my life who I've met and felt like I've known them for ages, especially my sister. 

The notion of having existed premortally and having chosen to live this life also helps answer a lot of questions I've always struggled with in other denominations, like why some people are born with disabilities and other handicaps like extreme poverty. The main answers to those questions that I've gotten from other religions seem to be (1) stuff just happens to certain people for no reason, (2) some people are pre-destined to have less faith (or something) and thus are being punished in some way, or (3) we're all punished for Adam's sin. (That's a whole other can of worms.) 

Learning that I lived as a spirit with knowledge of what trials I would face in this life, and that I agreed to them with faith in Christ to redeem me from them, answered those questions I had wrestled with for my entire life. 

My belief in the doctrinal principle of pre-mortal existence is so strong that I simply can't imagine believing in any religion that doesn't teach it. I know that I have a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me perfectly. I know that I once knew Him well, although my memory of Him has faded. I know that my personality, inclinations, and spiritual gifts were formed before I ever took a breath, and that I inherited divine qualities from God just as I inherited physical traits from my mother and father. I know there's a purpose to this life for all of us, and there's a specific purpose for my life as well. 

I don't have to seek those answers from studying and interpreting the scriptures on my own, although they're there, and neither did I have to rely on the word of any priest. These are things that I've come to know to be true through prayer and witnesses from the Holy Ghost. 

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She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark.

A few days ago, my little sister fell and hurt her foot. She was inconsolable, and my grandmother heard her yelling at me while I tried to calm her. "You wanted me to get hurt! You don't love me!" The biggest fear of an adopted child, heartbreakingly expressed in a moment of insecurity. 

"No," my grandmother said softly, "Heather's loved you since the first time she saw you." I remembered that first moment with baby Trinity, a year old and staring fearfully at the strangers who would soon become family. I still feel that love, even more for the sassy 8-year-old than the sweet baby she once was. She is and always has been one strong little girl.

I remember the day I learned that a camera was the quickest way to turn her tears into a smile. I remember the first time she looked at a picture of her own tear-streaked face and squeaked, "Cute!" I cried for her the day she noticed me taking her picture and said, "Don't take my picture anymore. I'm not pretty." Later, "Take my picture off Facebook. I'm too ugly." The insecurities of womanhood begin far too soon. 

I remember, as a teenager with too many burdens and no idea of where to find hope, listening to her soft toddler snores while I wept. I wanted to die that night, just like so many others. But when I held her hand, I felt the peace I needed to get through the day. 

She came into my life, so tiny and already having survived so much, during one of the most difficult times in my 8-year battle with depression. I was a stranger to her in mortality, but I know we've known one another's souls for ages. 

As she neared two years old, I remember listening to her giggles and wondering how anyone, even a baby, could be so happy. She had tantrums like any other toddler - okay, probably more - but to me, she was pure joy. 

When all I wanted to do was lie by myself and stare at the ceiling, she would run up to me, beeping my wheelchair's horn and demanding, "Picture, Issy! Tongue out, now!" There was no saying no to that.

I remember when she began to realize that disability wasn't normal, and most big sisters weren't in wheelchairs. I remember her tears of frustration as she asked me, "Why can't you just walk?" 

Just yesterday she asked me, for probably the hundredth time, "But do you like being in a wheelchair?" 

Five years after her first realization, disability is still a big thing for her to come to understand, but she has learned that wheelchairs can be fun and that if Sissy (finally earned that beginning "S"!) can't do it with her, she can probably call some missionaries who can. 

She's also learned that the missionaries are a lot cooler than her Sissy is, anyway. I don't deny it.

Attachment in adoption can be hard, and we've had some difficult times these past few years as she's tested me, seeing if I'm really here to stay and love her forever. It's worn me down many times, but I try to remember why this little one needs to know our attachment is secure. I can't promise her that I'll always be physically by her side, but I can promise that my love will never, ever change.

I won't hear the words "Can I sit on your lap?" from her many more times, but I do hope for a lifetime of hearing "Sissy, I need to talk."

That's what big sisters are here for.

I love this little girl -- young woman -- 60 pound Southern spitfire with all my heart. No matter how we were brought together in mortality or what may happen while we're here, I know beyond any doubt that our sisterhood began long ago as our spirits were formed and will last for an eternity more.