The past two semesters have been hard... like, really hard.
It isn't that my classes have been too difficult - the opposite, actually. Changing my major to geography was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I absolutely love GIS, more than I ever loved any of my education classes, and I know that the career for which I am preparing is a much better fit for me.
The "problem" has been that other parts of life, things more important than school, have taken precedent. I wish some of those things hadn't happened, but I have no regrets about how I responded.
Anyway, today I selected my fall classes, and I am so excited.
The process of selecting classes and coming up with a class schedule is one of my favorite things. I love thinking about the things I'm going to learn and planning out how my weeks are going to go. As early as 8th grade, deciding what classes to take the next year was a great feeling for me.
Next semester, I'm going to be taking my senior capstone course, which is funny because I'll be taking the orientation to my major the next semester.
I'll also be taking a class called "Geographical Data Analysis," and even though I don't really know what that means right now, I'm looking forward to it because it includes data and analysis and is taught by one of my favorite professors.
I'm taking Introduction to Remote Sensing, which is taught by the professor who inspired me to become a geography major. He's been on sabbatical for a year and a half and I'm excited to take a class with him again. (Side note: The lab for this class overlaps with institute council, so today I told "Prez" that I can't continue as the president... he told me to move institute council to a different day.)
I'll probably be taking a computer science class, which I can't claim to be terribly excited about, but if it helps me in some way to learn things that will help me be better at the technical aspects of GIS, I can live with that.
Finally, I'm taking a class called "Sustainable Living." This is one of the classes that I'm most excited for, even though it doesn't directly tie in to my major. Sustainability is important for everyone to learn, and I have a feeling it's going to be significant in my life - probably even in my career.
There are things more important than school... but I'm a nerd, and school is pretty darn important.
I haven't used this blog in a long time. I guess I've been getting out all of my desire for blogging (and then some) with the institute blog.
The experiences I've had in the past eight months have been valuable, but many of them were things I didn't feel comfortable posting for the world to see. Now that some time has passed and I've gained a broader perspective, I'm ready to talk about some of those things.
First:
On August 7th - the two year anniversary of my confirmation as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - my grandmother passed away. I had known for several months that it was coming. She had fallen in her apartment and broken her hip, and the surgeries and recovery process weakened her to a state where she was in constant pain and confined to a hospital bed.
Losing my grandmother, who was one of the greatest role models, was a painful loss, but I've been able to take comfort in understanding the Plan of Salvation. I know that my grandmother lived a full life and that she'll forever be remembered by everyone who knew her. She wasn't the kind of person who can easily be forgotten.
She lived a life full of trials, including childhood poverty, the death of her first child, and a painful lifelong disability, but she was a woman who was full of joy. She never tried to fit in or mold herself to anyone else's expectations, and she taught me to love myself in the same way. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't known her, and I know that I'll have the opportunity to be with her for eternity. I've been to the temple nearly every month since just before she died, and it's given me a great sense of peace.
Second:
Ever since I was baptized, I've wanted to serve a mission. I always knew that it was unlikely that I would be permitted to serve, but for over two years, I felt the desire to do so pull on my heart. It was on my mind almost every day, others told me I should consider it, and I honestly felt like it was what God wanted me to do. After fighting it for years, I finally approached my bishop in September and hesitantly asked if it would be possible. To my shock, the answer was "yes."
Wait... yes!?
That wasn't the answer I was expecting, but both my bishop and my stake president confirmed that, even with my disability, I could serve a full-time mission. I prayed and considered my options for about a week, and decided I would go. I knew there would be challenges, but it was what God wanted and what I wanted, so I threw myself into preparing to serve.
Then, just as I was about ready to go, the answer I and everyone else was getting from Heavenly Father changed. After months of promptings to go serve a mission, I suddenly got a big fat "STOP!" It surprised me, but I knew that serving a mission really wasn't what God would have me do.
I was saddened because I had a desire to serve and I thought I could contribute (both to the people I would meet and to the Church's perception of people with disabilities), but more than anything, I was confused about why I and so many others had felt led down one path only to then find out it was wrong. Overcoming that experience took time. I never lost my trust in God, but I lost my trust in myself. I thought that I must have acted on something other than a prompting of the Holy Ghost, but I couldn't distinguish between the prompting to serve a mission and any other personal revelation I had received.
To explain how I got past that, I'm simply going to share a Mormon Message with you.
So, all of this brings us through August, September, October, and the beginning of November.
Third:
Throughout all of this, a close friend of mine had been gradually wandering down a dangerous path. He didn't do anything morally wrong, but he developed an acute mental illness that culminated in a life-threatening situation. I won't go into much detail about it, because it isn't my story to tell, but it had a significant impact on me. Beginning in November, I recognized that what I had thought was just an odd pattern of behavior was, in reality, very serious.
For over a month, I dedicated nearly all of my time that wasn't spent in a classroom to caring for my friend. During that time, I felt a closer relationship with the Savior than I ever have at any other time. I received multiple priesthood blessings assuring me that I was doing the right thing, and I felt the love that God has for my friend being poured out through me. I have no regrets whatsoever and would do it all again with no hesitation if my friend needed it, but I sacrificed my own self-care in favor of caring for another person.
Given my own physical weakness, there was a significant price to pay for making that sacrifice. For nearly three months after my friend no longer needed my help, my body insisted that I catch up on its basic needs, particularly sleep. Six weeks of sleeping for two to three hours a night was traded in for two months of sleeping for twelve to sixteen hours a day. Only now, after three months, do I feel like my body has completely recovered, but I've never doubted for a moment that it was worth it.
I certainly wasn't a perfect friend, and there were many days when I probably made my friend's burden heavier instead of lighter, but I've learned so much about myself, about Christ, and about our loving Heavenly Father. I would have preferred to have learned those lessons without someone I love suffering so greatly. Nonetheless, I'm grateful to have had the experience of being there for my friend during that time. (He's been there for me through some pretty tough trials, too.)
Where Am I Now?
Right now, I'm trying to gain a sense of direction and figure out exactly what it is that God would have me do. School this semester has been hard... really hard. I'm already at a physical disadvantage, and the choices I made last semester (although awesome) have made it even harder. I'm looking for a job so I can feel productive and earn some money over the summer, but I haven't had any luck at finding a part-time job I'm capable of doing without a degree. For now, my life mostly consists of fulfilling my church callings (ward missionary and institute president) and building friendships with some fantastic people. I've been focusing on the temple (a friend and I have gone to the baptistry at the DC temple every month) and on developing my relationship with Heavenly Father through prayer. I've grown up a whole lot in both temporal and spiritual maturity, and I feel a great hope for the future, both in this mortal life and beyond.
Full disclosure: I wrote the first two sentences of this post in early November, and I'm finally posting it in March.
